riverdale villains rated by level of swag
disclaimer: at the time of this writing, i have not watched all of season 7 of riverdale. i will update this when i finally watch it.
also, naturally, this list will contain spoilers.
CLIFFORD BLOSSOM: 1/10
Gets points for leading an evil family of redheads with a set color palette but loses points for everything else about him. Utterly boring and swagless.
THE BLACK HOOD: 2/10
Creepy phone calls are fun and I like his stupid ringtone but god Hal Cooper radiates complete swaglessness. He gets no bitches and stacks no paper.
He’s a little funny for how cringefail he is but the problem is instead of making him a sopping wet middle aged loser for the tumblrinas to hyperfixate on,
they keep treating him like a genuine menace when he literally just sucks. His extra point is for becoming Man Door Hand Hook Car Door.
HIRAM LODGE: 10/10
Fuck yes fuuuuuuck yes this dude fucking owns. Mark Consuelos deserves a medal or the presidency or something for how many iconic lines he rattles off like it’s nothing.
His genuine beef with literal teenagers. His giant portrait of himself. His fatal disease that is cured by beating the shit out of gangsters. He is the best character,
he fucking owns and I love him. Truly the Daddykins of our hearts.
PENELOPE BLOSSOM: 11/10
“But K I thought Hiram Lodge was the best villain” okay listen I hate to pit two bad bitches against each other but these are the deciding factors for Penelope for me:
- Costuming is always off the fucking charts, I appreciate a nice suit as much as the next butch but Hiram cannot compete with her Evil Catholic Realness
- Mommie Dearest Reenactment. Sub point: could conceivably be played by a drag queen, vote for which one in the comments below.
- Gives Riverdale the closest thing we have to a death game, which is ultimately what I crave
LOUIS CYPHER: 7/10
Ngl MOST of this score is Riverdale finally biting the damn bullet and just introducing the Literal Devil. Also I know he’s bisexual but I can’t remember when or how I know this
so I’m assuming it was placed in my brain by divine revelation.
PERCIVAL PICKENS: 5/10
On one hand: loses swag points for being a generic British man in a suit, like I get that they’re saying something about white supremacy but this man radiates neither swag nor class.
Like sure something something the banality of evil but discussing the banality of evil is Not how you win the swag awards.
On the other hand: introduced the incredible concept of a GHOST TRAIN. Also all his antics are just so whimsical. Remember when he ruined everyone’s lives by hitting them with overdue
library fees. Remember when he wore a Jughead cosplay.
ARCHIE’S LIKE, EX UH. MILITARY MANAGER OR WHATEVER: 0/10
Can’t even remember his fucking name.
ARCHIE’S LIKE, WARDEN?: 1/10
The only reason this dude gets any points is because he larps.
THE GARGOYLE KING: 5/10
I DO like reintroducing modern audiences to the idea that D&D is evil and will kill you (Stranger Things do not interact), but it is probably not a good sign that I keep
forgetting about this guy completely. Also, like, who was the Gargoyle King? I literally cannot remember.
CHIC: 4/10
Chic has what Hal wants, i.e. he fucking sucks but at least he owns it and is funny about it. Him immediately breaking down in tears whenever someone tells him murder is wrong is camp.
CHARLES COOPER (JONES? SMITH?): 3/10
He just doesn’t have his husband’s creepy boy swag, what can I say. Honestly the character he is implied to be is a lot more interesting and funnier than the frankly kinda boring guy on screen.
Also they will NEVER address Betty and Jughead’s mutual half sibling.
EDGAR EVERNEVER: 8/10
Chad Michael Murray watched Bad Times At The El Royale and thought Chris Hemsworth was so fucking cool in it and as one of the ten people who watched Bad Times at the El Royale,
I have to give him points for that. The rest of his score is his incredible jumpsuit and plan to escape to like. Wait where was he even going in that rocket.
THAT LITTLE KID WHO STABBED ARCHIE: 4/10
This kid wasn’t really a VILLAIN per say but I’m giving him points for stabbing Archie that was funny as fuck. I’ll buy him a Fortnite skin for that.
BRET WESTON WALLIS: 7/10
Can’t even tell you how pissed off I was when I realized what his name was. Anyways, gains points for transparent Jughead crush and also just like, how fun the concept of evil boarding school preppies is.
DONNA SWEET: 7/10
Betty has a thing for dark haired girls who are a little mean, not clickbait. Anyways her score would be higher if she didn’t lie about sexual assault, like c’mon girl that’s tasteless. Manipulate ethically please.
TRASH BAG KILLER: 0/10
Here's the thing about TBK: he's written like the writers really regret killing Hal Cooper, which is already a bad sign. Being the replacement Hal Cooper is a recipe for negative swag.
TBK is boring as fuck. If I got murdered by TBK I would be embarassed. My ghost would rush to the nearest medium to tell my loved ones I died of something more dignified, like being hit by a clown car.
I get that in real life serial killers are probably nondescript guys in ill fitting clothes, but if you're already going to invoke serial killer genes anyways you might as well make this man into an anime villain.
NICK ST. CLAIR: 0/10
Remember when Veronica was like “hey one of my turn-ons is recounting every illegal thing you’ve done loudly and unambiguously” and he fell for it.
EVELYN EVERNEVER: 3/10
All three of her points are for the beautiful comedy of having one of the characters actually be a 26 year old pretending to be a high schooler.
ABIGAIL BLOSSOM: 9/10
Philosophers can debate over how much of her swag is stolen from possessing Cheryl, but I like her regardless as the bitchy gay undead aunt. Also points for only helping save the world
if she gets laid and rolling her eyes and pouting when she gets called out for poisoning someone.
KEVIN KELLER: 0/10
“But K,” I hear you cry, “Kevin Keller isn’t a villain!” And to that I say: being boring Kurt Hummel is the greatest villainy of all.